Friday, July 3, 2009

CDHN goes commercial

CDHN - a beacon of unblemished integrity in an overcommerzialized blogosphere? Not any more. Today, CDHN features its first ever piece of advertising. With the CDHN crew just recovering from the 72-hour drinking binge it awarded itself after cashing in the check from Żywiec, time has come to reflect. As millions of people all around the world look to CDHN for advise on how to lead their lives, the question poses itself: Have we let down our faithful followers by short-sightedly succumbing to greed?

To prove that we are not adverse to self-reflection and criticizm, CDHN has invited 3 of today's brightest and most independent thinking minds to discuss the implications of CDHN 'going commercial'. In our expert panel, the following Polish pundits are ready to dissect our advertisement with their razor sharp intellects:

Joanna Kennedy Senyszyn - the black sheep of the Kennedy family. With her shrill voice and controversial opinions, she has laid waste more than one Boston garden party. In the words of Senator Ted Kennedy:
With JFK, Robert Kennedy and JFK Jr all having died young, it is common to speak of the curse of the Kennedy family. Commentators somehow fail to see what - or rather who - is the real curse of the Kennedy clan. Isn't it ironic that while cherished and loved members of our family drop dead like flies in November, the one Kennedy that we'd actually wish to see dispatched to an otherwordly existence, is not only alive, but stubbornly attends and spoils every single garden party given by the Kennedys?

Jan Jackson Rokita - Michael Jackson's unknown kid brother. In stark contrast to his brothers and sisters, who made glittering music careers, Jan renounced showbiz in order to develop his intellect, primarily by delving into classics from the Polish conservative canon. Evil tongues claim he's indirectly responsible for Jacko's lack of self esteem as he was consistently picking on his one year older brother for not using enough trisyllabic words. And, according to Jan's nanny, the fact that Jan did not miss an opportunity to point out the whiteness of his own skin compared to Michael's, left an indelible scar and might even have triggered the elder brother's fateful skin obsession. Lately, Jan Jackson Rokita made headlines after getting into a fight with the staff on a Lufthansa airplane.

Jacek Soros Żakowski
- financial whiz and multibillionaire who to many people's surprise has become one of Capitalism's fiercest critics.

CDHN: The CDHN team are truly honoured to welcome such a distinguished handful of intellectuals whose opinions are...

Soros Żakowski: -Spare the flattery, Uncle T. Don't think you can silence me by sycophancy! It is true that Polish public debate would be void of substantial content without me raising my voice on every conceivable and inconceivable topic. But no distractions here. My sole question to you is the following: You have licked the asses of the mighty Żywiec corporation. Did it taste good?

Jackson Rokita: Grupa Żywiec might be owned by Heineken, but at least it has no German capital, or should I say Geld. At a time when Germany pursues a relentless campaign to ethnically cleanse Polish intellectuals from European airspace it is imperative that Poland says no to Herr Fritz and his various plans to subjugate the Polish nation.

Soros Żakowski: Says who? Says Der Dziennik's highest paid commentator and Herr Axel Springer's very own lackey. So, Mr Rokita, have you wrapped your lips around herr Axel's toes today? Oh, the sight of Führer Axel Springer in his lederhosen makes your heart beat just a little bit faster, doesn't it? Do you know that the anti-German commentaries you write in Der Dziennik are paid for by Mr Springer himself? I mean, how humiliating is that? You've become Mr Springer's personal clown. Ha-ha.

Jackson Rokita: In 1989 the footage from Peking's Tiananmen Square of one single individual bravely opposing a tank was shown all over the world as a unique example of human bravery. A few months ago, one Polish hero - modesty forbids me to point out that it was myself - defied the mighty Lufthansa, standing upright in the face of unspeakable offence done to me and my coat. In the inner pocket of my coat I always carry the original manuscript to my Prime Minister inaugurational speech, so I think we can safely say that my coat deserved to travel on 1st class. By violating the rights of my coat, Luftwaffe - sorry, Lufthansa - were vomiting on the entire Polish intellectual heritage. Such a crime against humanity could not be allowed to happen.

Young Jasio didn't make it to the photoshoot as he he had his nose buried in the collected writings of Roman Dmowski.

Kennedy Senyszyn: Comparing dick sizes again, are we? Your adolescent barking is just a sly attempt to distract from the heart of the matter here. The poor girl in the advertisement, probably underaged, has been brutally exploited by the marketing industry. All to satisfy the needs of the beer drinking segment, which is almost exclusively male, of course. Do you know that 96 % of all sexist remarks are made under the influence of alcohol?

Jackson Rokita: I know one or two things about being abused myself. Not only was I almost beaten to death by a group of kapos from Lufthansa SS, but I was also ridiculed by my brothers for wanting to nourish my intellect rather than practising on the latest Negro dance steps. They called me a book-worm and a failure. Little did they know that the family 'book-worm' was the future Prime Minister from Kraków!

Soros Żakowski: Jasiu, you never became Prime Minister. Tusk screwed you frontally and from behind and left you with your face in the mud. Face it, Jasiu, you are and will forever stay a nobody, an also-ran whose only raison d'etre is being Axel Springer's in-house clown. The village idiot of Der Dziennik, he-he.

Jackson Rokita: Liar, liar! Are you as actually blind as you are intellectually blind? You didn't see all those majestic billboards with 'Jan Rokita - premier z Krakowa' (Jan Rokita - Prime Minister from Kraków)? Look, I carry a photo of one of them in my pocket. This one is taken near a petrol station just outside Puck. See, 'Premier z Krakowa'!

Soros Żakowski: Fine, Jasiu, perhaps you should take a taxi home now so that Nelly can give you your medication? Returning to the advertisement, most of your readers probably associate Żywiec with a chilled pint on a hot Baltic coast summer evening. Some of you might even have fond memories from the day when an overabundance of the said beer brand helped you score your second cousin at Uncle Piotr's funeral. But there is another story, the untold story about
the Żywiec corporation, about a company that treats their employees with a degree of inhumanity that would astonish a laboratory rat at L'Oreal. Do you know what happened when one of their employees - a blind man with 5 deaf children who was just about to finish his 4th consecutive shift - attached the Żywiec label to the bottle upside down? The Żywiec management smashed his middle finger with a 1000 ltr beer tapping tank and mixed his pulverized bones into budget cocaine to be dumped on the Ethiopian market.

Laboratory rat

Kennedy Senyszyn: Shut your patriarchal snout, male pig. Yes, the Żywiec bosses are cruel and callous individuals, but from your male rapist-perspective you typically overlook the pronounced gender bias of their sadism. The male hyenas in charge of Żywiec had a report commisioned which found that by selling beer to children they could boost their turnover by up to 30%. In order to develop a beer ideal for children they approached impoverished Moldavian mothers with newly born infants. For a daily salary of $ 2, the hapless women were forced to consume 12 Żywiec cans per hour, in other words: the exact quantity needed to significantly alter the taste and alcohol content of the mother's milk. Speak of breast enhancement! Measuring the enthusiasm with which the thirsty and unsuspecting infants lapped away at their victimized mothers' breasts, the Żywiec corporation acquired all the data needed to devise a beer tailor-made for the kid segment. As we speak, this beer is being mixed into orange juice in Polish kindergartens to turn the toddlers into beer addicts at an early stage.

Jackson Rokita: It is indeed true that giving women access to alcohol is highly unwise. Since we are on the topic, I would like to sort out a tiny misunderstanding. The interview with Nelly in Viva where she seems to suggest that I am not the ideal husband was a deliberate misrepresentation of her true thoughts. Her real message - which is that she adores me for being Poland's and thus the world's foremost intellectual and that she chose me after having returned 14 truckloads of red roses from a lovestruck Adam Michnik - got distorted due to overconsumption of alcohol. You see, the creme de la creme of the Kraków intelligentsia were gathered in my apartment, their attentive ears finely tuned in to listen to my elaborations on the topic of 'Jan Rokita as an opinionmaker'. It so happened that I got so carried away by the fascinating topic that I simply forgot to lock my minibar for the night. My devious wife snuck out of the bedroom in the middle of the night and helped herself rather liberally from my whisky supplies. The morally crippled Viva journalists of course cynically exploited the opportunity. I am planning to take legal action against the magazine for abusing a woman not in command of her mental faculties. Moreover, I intend to place Nelly under my custody so that she will no longer compromise herself and her only achievement in life, i.e. me.

Soros Żakowski: Foremost intellectual, my ass! 3 words, Jasio, 3 words to remind you what a complete loser you are: Donald.. Fucking.. Tusk... Ha-ha.

Kennedy Senyszyn: It is hardly a secret that Nelly is in urgent need of psychiatric intervention. But giving Jackson Rokita influence over her is like entrusting the Neapolitan mafia with your smelliest garbage . A much better idea would be to send her to one of our Feminist run mental correction facilities for women led astray by Conservative ideology, where an adequate combination of feminist writing, carefree shopping and continued electroshock will nurse her back to health and make her renounce her disgusting political beliefs once and for all.

CDHN: My sincere thanks to our distinguished panel for sharing your invaluable thoughts with CDHN's readers. By way of finishing, perhaps each of you could say a few words about how you value CDHN's contribution to the blogosphere and to the public debate in general?

Kennedy Senyszyn: Take a group of bigoted, sexually deviant middle class males rapidly approaching their midlife crisis. Give them a computer and an internet connection and the irredeemable information sewage of CDHN is what results.

Soros Żakowski: Whenever I am forced to read your blog I can almost feel the stinky breath of corporate Capitalism seeping through the computer screen.

Jackson Rokita: If your blog was in paper form it could be used as toilet paper... for dogs.

CDHN: Thank you again and a happy summer to you all!

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