Thursday, April 2, 2009

The officially authorized CDHN test: What nationality are you really?

Always felt like an outsider? Doesn't anybody want to play with you? And why is it that all the clubs you ever join only have one member? Could it be that you're simply born in the wrong country? By taking this easy test, you can finally find out which country is your spiritual homeland and where to settle to meet individuals just like yourself.

1. Your country is invaded by another country.
a. You hide in a bunker with your pet dog and your collection of Wagner operas.
b. 'Great! More clients for my strip club!'
c. You know that the invading army will freeze to death or get stuck in the mud somewhere on the way to your country’s capital anyway, so you’re not really that concerned. But you send out a few millions of your fellow countrymen to die as canon fodder just to be on the safe side.
d. Your country is usually invaded by more than one country at the same time, so this is not so bad actually
e. You are surprised that the United Nations Human Rights Council ,Hamas and the entire continent of Africa are not here to defend you after all you’ve done for them
f. You don’t really care, because you beat them in football anyway

2. You find out that your father is gay
a. You write an opera about it
b. At first you are a little upset, but then you find consolation in the thought that so was Frederick the Great
c. You are angry with him for not coming out earlier before having a gay dad became as common as balloons at children’s birthday parties
d. You try to cure him with electroshock while he’s sleeping
e. You blame some neighbouring country where he spent his holiday and use this as a pretext to invade them
f. You tell your friends that as a guest worker in Britain your father was so shocked by the unattractiveness of the local women that he was given no choice

3. The Polish Pope dies
a. You’re angry because you have to cancel your weekend trip to Krakow
b. Great. Our guy is next in line!
c. You close down society for three weeks, mourn and weep and vail, and then die from heart attack from the shock you get when you learn that there is supposed to be some guy in the jungle of Botswana who didn’t really care that much about the Pope’s death.
d. The Polish one? He doesn’t really count
e. You start weeping because you mistake the Pope for Putin
f. You wonder if this qualifies you for some kind of welfare benefit

4. Your dog is seriously ill
a. You sell it to an animal-loving family with children as soon as you can without informing the new owners about its ailment
b. You conclude that its genes are inferior and start to apply euthanasia, but change your mind in the last moment when you recall Himmler’s words that the Germans are the only race that treat animals humanely
c. You ask your local priest if there is a patron saint for sick dogs
d. You go to your local consigliere to ask for advice
e. You think its disease might be psychosomatic and take it to your shrink, but only after you’ve made sure that the you will get all the costs refunded by the state
f. You blame its illness on imported Polish/Georgian dog food and call for an immediate boycott (followed by invasion) of those two countries

5. A foreigner actually takes the time and effort to learn your language and tries to converse with you in it
a. She tries to say ‘How do you do’, but it comes across as ‘Down with Putin’, so you have her sent off to a labour camp
b. You assemble a group of your friends and tell the foreigner to pronounce one of the most difficult tongue twisters in your language. Then you all laugh your asses off as the foreigner gets the fricative sounds mixed up
c. You start correcting her grammar.
d. You start speaking to her in your heavily accented English
e. You take advantage of her incomplete knowledge of your language to get her to sign a contract where she obliges herself to working full time in your strip club
f. The concept of foreign language is alien to you. You are convinced that your mother tongue is spoken by absolutely everyone apart from Americans, so you cannot really relate to this person

6. What object would it be most difficult for you to live without?
a. Your mafia membership card
b. A list of all the welfare benefits you qualify for.
c. The pickled cucumber you once bought that had the shape of a cross
d. A map of your neighbouring countries borders.
e. Your diploma from the Pimp Academy of Prague that happens to have Karel Gott’s signature on it
f. A complete collection of all the laws and regulations written down in your country since Frederick Barbarossa

7. A pedestrian tries to cross the street while you are driving your car
a. You mistake the pedestrian for a moose and pull out your rifle from your luggage box
b. You run him over deliberately, then hurl verbal abuse at him
c. You never drive cars, only tanks
d. You sue him because you heard him make a joke about your country’s army
e. You run him over by accident. Since he’s dead anyway, you figure you just might search through his pockets for some banknotes or a credit card or maybe some unused condoms
f. You try to run him over but your Vespa scooter gives him just a tiny scratch.

8. You find out that your neighbour is a Jew
a. You tell him to proceed to the showers for delousing
b. You beat him senseless with a cross
c. You have him deported to Siberia.
d. You transfer a pile of money to Palestinian freedom fighters so that they can fire rockets at his house or dress up as milkmen and blow themselves up inside it
e. You do your best to cheat him by overcharging for beer.
f. You hate every single one of your neighbours regardless of their ethnicity

Give yourself the following number of points for the respective answers:
Q1. a: 5 b: 1 c: 6 d: 4 e: 3 f: 2

Q2. a: 2 b: 5 c: 3 d: 4 e: 6 f: 1

Q3. a: 1 b: 5 c: 4 d: 2 e: 6 f: 3

Q4. a: 1 b: 5 c: 4 d: 2 e: 3 f: 6

Q5. a: 6 b: 4 c: 5 d: 3 e: 1 f: 2

Q6. a: 2 b: 3 c: 4 d: 6 e: 1 f: 5

Q7. a: 3 b: 4 c: 6 d: 5 e: 1 f: 2

Q8. a: 5 b: 4 c: 6 d: 3 e: 1 f: 2

8-13 pts: You are Czech

You love beautiful women, good beer and all the sweet pleasures life has to offer. Apart from that, you’re not really sure what is your historical mission.

14-17 pts: You are Italian

Your state-making skills leave a lot to be desired and your national tv is a cultural disaster, but who cares: You love art, opera and architecture and the dinners you cook are true culinary events.

18-21 pts: You are Norwegian
You have a constant craving for goat milk cheese, love skiing and walks in the forest and are proud of living in an egalitarian society. You send piles of money to Africa without quite knowing why, but you have a secret hope that it will somehow improve your tan.

22-27 pts: You are Polish
You’re hospitable, helpful and willing to sacrifice a lot for your ideals. If you’re a woman, you’re probably also attractive. You think pickled cucumbers are God’s gift to mankind.

28-32 pts: You are German

You are a true connosieur of sausages, an eminent philosopher, have a great organizational talent and your garden is always well kept. If you were better at marketing yourself, the world would also know that you’re great at making cocktails.

Above 33 pts: You are Russian

You have a remarkable survival instinct and a talent for writing epic novels. You are hospitable and fun-loving, but tend to drink a little too much at times.

’Oh no, I don’t know how to do this, why do I have to do the maths myself, why doesn’t it work like on Facebook where they find the answer for you, HOWL! HOWL! HOWL!’
You are a useless facebook-addict with the intellectual sophistication of a kebab. No remotely civilized country would ever acknowledge you as their citizen, but you could try to apply for the post of finance minister in Zimbabwe.