Friday, March 6, 2009

The CDHN course in applied fertilization

In an era where the youth of Poland are leaving in droves for the decadent West and the few remaining ones are brainwashed by homosexual propaganda into not having any offspring at all, it is all the more gratifying to come across men who know what it takes to be a proper Polish husband. The first Norwegian king, Harald Fairhair, made a vow not to cut his hair before the whole of Norway was one kingdom. Is it likewise the case that Krzysztof Putra, the Polish Parliamentarian, has made a vow not to cut his grand moustache until his wife has blessed him with a double digit number of kids? With 8 (some sources claim 9) kids already having catapulted out of his wife, the dawning of the day when Poseł Putra’s moustache can face a devastating encounter with a hedge trimmer is drawing ever closer.

Poseł Putra is a true living legend with unsurpassed achievements in the domain of turning one’s wife into a veritable baby-dispenser. Can I, a mere mortal, possibly compete with HIM, you ask yourself? Yes, you can, as Obama would have put it. CDHN is proud to offer you a crash course in how to beat Putra on his hometurf.

First of all, be a good Catholic. Adhere to the teaching of Pope John Paul II and never, absolutely NEVER use contraceptives. If your wife buys you condoms, find out where she stores them and poke holes in them. If your wife is too devious in seeking to flunk her breeding obligations - storing the condoms in a place you have never bothered to learn the existense of (like together with the cleaning detergents) - then have your penis pierced. This will make it difficult if not impossible to attach a condom to it. And for anyone steeped in the Catholic visual tradition, a piercing is more than just a needle: a colourful crucifix will liven up the dullest of penises.

Secondly, make sure that your wife is not taking any kind of contraception pills. Convince her that this type of pills causes a whole assortment of side effects, like cellulite, overweight, pimples and other things that women tend to get hysterical about.

Thirdly, learn from the dogs. Live for a while among stray dogs on the streets and internalize their mating habits. Dogs are notorious for possessing an unrelenting urge to penetrate everything with an inviting shape: table legs, human legs, trees etc. If cohabitation does not do the trick, seek a genetic biologist and have dog genes infused. You will be endowed with a constant erection and subject everyone and everything around you to a permanent assault.

Finally, keep your wife within a safe distance from the nearest labour office. It is imperative that she be available for insemination at all thinkable moments. If necessary, immobilize her, for instance by hiding all her expensive shoes. (No woman with a minimum of self-respect will leave the house in substandard footgear). Invest in new furniture to make staying at home a more attractive option. The combination of a flat screen TV attached to the ceiling and a comfortable sofa is a winner. In this way, your wife can watch ’M jak milosc’ lying on her back, a position that greatly facilitates impregnation.

As a special service to our faithful readers, Assistant Dean Adolf Mandela from the Jozef Fritzl Department of Family Studies at the University of Salzburg answers some of the most common questions related to the mass production of offspring.

Q: Do I need to grow a moustache the size of Putra’s in order to become the father of 8?
A.M.: This is not a requirement, but it is strongly recommended. The danger exists that your wife will suspect that she married a rabbit and seek refuge in the basement as soon as she sees the ’let’s make babies’-look on your face. A generous moustache combined with a pair of dark glasses will serve to obscure your intentions and render it difficult for your wife to guess when you are planning to impregnate her. Besides, the presence of an intimidating bush in the middle of your face will make kissing and other forms of wasteful and non-reproductive sex (also called foreplay) less pleasant, enabling you to go straight to the point.

Q: If I have 8 children and each of them in turn have 8 children, I will have 64 grandchildren. How do I keep track of them?

A.M.: Experts recommend the time tested Michał Wiśniewski-method of child-identification. Make each of your sons and daughters colour their offspring’s hair with one and the same colour. All your daughter Bożena’s children will have red hair, all your son Zdzisław’s children will have blue hair and so on. If this method is too costly, paper hats are a cheap alternative. Yet another alternative, which can easily be combined with the previous 2, is to compile a list of your 64 favourite Catholic saints and make sure that each of your grandchildren is named after one of them.

1 comment:

Karolina said...

You are SO going to hell.