1. Sandra Roelofs First Lady of Georgia
Georgian President Mikheil Saakashvili might be chased by KGB-agents, loathed by his own people and left with no other friends than fellow losers Wiktor Juszczenko and Lech Kaczyński. He might have played hazard with the lives of his own citizens by providing Putin with a long sought for excuse to chose Georgia as the 2008 destination for the Russian Army’s annual raping excursion. So what keeps this tortured man ticking? Well, after yet another day passed by that didn’t see him lynched or assassinated, he can crawl into a warm bed and snuggle up to his adorable Sandra. Those who think that Dutch-born beauty Sandra Roelofs chose Saakashvili for his fame and fortune couldn’t be more wrong. Back in the days when they fell in love, Saakashvili was just an opposition nobody from an ex-Soviet republic primarily known for furnishing the Russian state apparatus with unusually cruel individuals the likes of Josef Stalin and Lavrentij Beria.
The question remains though, how long can Miserable Mikheil keep his Divine Dutchess for himself ? Russia has a long standing reputation for sending out their top secret agents to seduce powerful politicians or their secretaries. And conquering Sandra must seem an infinitely more pleasurable challenge than, say, Werna Gerhardsen. On the other hand, most Russian men between 18 and 45 are either dead in Chechnya or half dead from alcoholism, so there might be a shortage of suitable candidates.
How to seduce her: Sandra feels nostalgic about the good old opposition days before Mikheil was corrupted by power and riches. Pose as a North Korean freedom fighter hiding in a cave in the mountains where Kim Jung Il is carrying out nuclear tests. Tell Sandra how you plan to abort the North Korean Dictator’s deadly experiments by physically throwing yourself on top of the nuclear missile. This will no doubt appeal to Sandra’s romantic idealism, and the prospect of certain death as Kim Jung Il’s sends his 1.2 million strong army after both of you will only heighten the intensity of the love making.
2. Yulia Timoshenko – Prime minster of Ukraine
Wherein lies Yulia’s undeniable appeal? Ukraine’s wannabe dictator exudes about as much human warmth as an average Russian tank factory. In fact, the only thing remotely human about her is the thing situated on top of her head. I hesitate to refer to it as a hairstyle. It might have started out as a hairstyle, but it has evolved far beyond that and has surely taken on a separate existence. Some astronauts even claim it is visible from space.
How to seduce her: Roses or poems will get you nowhere with Ukraine’s icy beauty. Do not appeal to her romantic feelings because they are non-existent. The only thing that holds any appeal for this woman is power, and power in this part of the world basically means Vladimir Putin. Claim that you have invented an elixir that will miraculously turn her into Mr Putin, whereas what you actually are serving her, is a kind of hormonical Red Bull that will transform this political predator into a sex-starved rabbit.
3. Segolene Royal Socialist Party candidate for the French presidential election in 2007 (where she lost to Nicholas Sarkozy)
Segolene Royal might be a socialist, but she is above all French. One can only begin to imagine what unspeakable depravities she has lowered herself to in order to climb (almost) to the top of a society as thoroughly perverted and morally unprincipled as the French one. There is some dissent within the CDHN expert panel as to whether engaging in licentious activities with individuals as mentally challenged as socialists can be defended from a moral point of view, and the Ageist fraction on our editorial board argue that at 55 she is past her sell-by date, but let’s not fool ourselves, gentlemen (and gentlewomen of the appropriate persuasion): presented with a naked Madame Segolene draped in nothing but the Tricolor all objections would be gone as quickly as a French army before a German onslaught.
How to seduce her: Invite her to dinner, presenting yourself as a journalist in possession of a photo where Nicholas Sarkozy is blowing his nose with the Tricolor. Smelling Sarko's blood and sensing an opportunity to finish off her arch enemy once and for all, Segolene will show up trembling with excitement. Treat her to an exquisite snail dinner and a bottle of wine, all the while waving the incriminating photo in front of the drooling Frogess. Only when the bottle is completely empty, you inform her that what she has been sipping was not a Chateau Margaux 1995, but in fact Argentinian wine. A shattered Ms Royal has committed the one sin more deadly to a member of the French elite than wearing cheap perfume: she has perpetrated the ghastly crime of consuming new world wine! Her relief when you tell her you will not let this potentially devastating transgression come to the knowledge of the French public, will be so overwhelming that you don’t even have to ask her: Ms Royal will rip off her expensive garments faster than a French General can say “Ich ergebe mich!” as what might possibly be a German uniform appears in the horizon.
4. Queen Rania of Jordan
One of the stated goals of desert hottie Rania is to ‘fight stereotypes against Muslims’. If this is really her foremost concern, one might ask why this member of the exceptionally exclusive group ‘Sexy Arabs’ is not shedding those long dresses in favour of something a little more slutty? A tantalizingly exposed nipple or two would once and for all convince world opinion that Muslim women are more than burka-clad domestic slaves whose only function is to serve as sperm receptacles when their criminally unshaved Taliban husbands need to unload some aggression.
How to seduce her: In Rania's part of the world, there is one thing people despise even more than razors and pigs, and that is Jews. Nothing tastes as sweet as forbidden fruits to a Rania that is probably bored to death from sitting inside her palace all day. Dress up as someone unambiguously Jewish like, say, Woody Allen or Leon Trotsky, and show up in Ranya’s bedroom singing klezmer songs, cracking Seinfeld-jokes and wearing nothing but your skull cap. Enticed by the prospect of forbidden love, the Queen will cast herself in the role of Juliet to your Romeo, and promptly lift that blanket to initiate a night of love making so unlimited in its sinfulness that Bill Clinton would be blushing.Special advice: Love-making kosher style requires that you get yourself circumsized. You might have second thoughts about taking such a radical step. On the other hand, when King Abdullah's security guards catch you helping yourself from Queen Rania's cookie jar, they will chop off your genitals and feed them to the royal camels anyway, so it will ultimately not matter very much.
5. Mara Carfagna Italian Minister for Equal Opportunities and former showgirl
These days Silvio Berlusconi is suffering two personal defeats. His wife is leaving him and Milan has lost the Serie A championship to Inter for the 4th time in a row. What steps will a megalomaniac like Silvio take to compensate? That is, when he is tired of the 18-year old model he is currently satisfying his ego with? Minister in his government Mara Carfagna would be wise to place her well shaped behind on pinching alert. The former model and showgirl would fit the bill ideally as an aging Il Cavaliere is looking for solid physical evidence that he is not losing it.
How to seduce her: Let’s face it: You cannot compete with Berlusconi on his own terms. If you buy Ms Carfagna red roses, Silvio will buy her Kensington Gardens, have them disassembled, flown over and delivered to her address. Take her out to a fancy restaurant, and Silvio will dig a canal to her doorstep, fill it with vintage champagne and arrive sailing on his yacht. And I didn’t even mention the fact that Silvio is a more than capable singer. Berlusconi simply cannot be out-Berlusconied.
Your only option is to come across as the complete opposite of everything Berlusconi embodies. Present yourself as a homeless person and tenant farmer-turned-toilet cleaner whose one-acre farm was raced to the ground when Berlusconi suddenly felt the urge to extend one of his swimming pools. Be sure to look as shabby and unwashed as humanely possible and present her with your best Shane MacGowan-smile. After so many years in the social jet-set surrounded by glamorous people, chances are that Ms Carfagna just might find the idea of exchanging body fluids with a particularly smelly specimen of the lumpenproletariat an enticing challenge.
Shane MacGowan, former frontman of British-Irish folkrock group The Pogues
